Baddie – Spring Break 13: The Unsolicited return
Lesson – Just…just never go on Spring Break.
Let’s pretend that I’m not a graduate student and that I was fully aware it was Friday and stuff. Yeah. I like that world.
Right off the bat I would like to note that this is a review of “Piranha:3D” and not “Piranha:3DD”. Sorry to disappoint.
My original, abridged review went something like this –
What the movie ‘Piranha:3D’ has to offer:
1) Best guest stars. Hands down.
2) Most gratuitous nudity in any horror film I’ve ever seen.
3) The longest feeding frenzy sequence in any horror film I’ve ever seen.
4) Tentatively the most on-screen deaths (excluding plane crashes/cruise liners, etc.) in any horror film I’ve ever seen.
5) One of the most transparent plots.
6) Adam Scott
To be fair, “Piranha” has a lot to offer. I think. It is, in fact, chock full of nudity. To be absolutely crystal clear about this – the plot centers around a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ satire, and it’s a horror movie that takes place during Spring Break. So there are boobs EVERYWHERE. But also, full nudity! Lots of it! Extended sequences! So, ya know. Watch with caution if that sort of thing isn’t your bag.
I mean, at some point these reviews get a little stale, right? Guess what happens in “Piranha:3D”. Seismic event, prehistoric fish. Omnomnom. Teenage boy, clueless, accidentally a dick to the girl he likes. In a shocking twist, girl rebels and promptly goes off the deep end. Boy doesn’t seem to care. More omnomnom.
Queue the longest and bloodiest feeding frenzy I have ever seen. It’s…it’s long. Deeply evocative of “Spring Break Shark Attack”, but longer. And bloodier. Even I was growing queasy/annoyed by the end of it.
I mean, “Piranha:3D” is perfectly enjoyable. It’s kinda funny, it has some unique moments peppered in here and there. There’s moments of tension, and cheese, and stupid teenage shenanigans. It’s not a complicated film. It was made in the wake of the 3D movement, and it’s kind of a showcase. I viewed it in 2D, as I lack but the glasses and the patience for 3D. I don’t think this impaired my viewing any though.
On a more serious note, the graphic designers behind the “Jaws” posters should really start suing.
Like, seriously? Again? Guys? Aren’t there…other options? I’m an art kid. I feel like we can do better here. This is the second knock-off I’ve found so far. In related news, there is in fact, ‘Something in the water’. That tagline doesn’t sound menacing or scary at all.
“Piranhas – they’re fish.”
“Water – sometimes it’s tricky.”
“Spring Break – If you drink a lot of alcohol, you might do something dumb.”
Next week I promise to be on time, with hopefully a better (more ridiculous?) movie. It might be a shark movie. I can’t make too many promises.