Hey all you crazy SciFi loving kids – last week I took a vacation, but I totally watched a movie intending on writing about it. I swear. SO instead we’re gonna have ourselves a good old fashioned Double Feature. Enjoy. 

“Megapiranha”

Baddie – Huge piranhas.

Lesson – Don’t skip science class, no matter how boring it is.

Asylum/SyFy
This was essentially my face during the whole movie.

Let’s get a few things straight here. First of all, I’m an art student. I don’t ‘science’. Neither does “Megapiranha”. I know, I know. It’s a movie about rapidly growing piranha. They don’t have to science. They have to science A LITTLE. Second of all – this was a stupid movie, even by my standards (which are stupid low, let me tell you). Now, “Megapiranha” has a huge cult following. Which is fine. I LOVE “Shark Attack 3: Megalodon”, for instance,  because it’s utterly ridiculous. So is “Megapiranha”. But not in a whimsical way.

Moving on.

“Piranhaconda”

Baddie – Blind ambition.

Lesson – Implants will almost always result in you dying in a horror film. Plan accordingly.

First movie with a theme song, everybody! I know, I was excited too. Now, like most of the movies I review here, “Piranhaconda” is not without it’s flaws. But damn, it was a good ride. I’m honestly having trouble organizing my words. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

SciFi pulls no punches with Piranhaconda. The audience is treated to some no-holds barred C.G.I. within like, 5 minutes or so? Also, everyone that dies in this movie is actually just a cavernous pinata full of brick dust. I can think of no other reason for the veritable cloud of blood that surrounds every kill. Additionally, every girl in this movie is a total bombshellsicle (see SciFi? I can make up words too. Hire me?) including the entire staff of a film crew. It’s so meta.

“Hot girls and killing clouds? What more could you ask for?” Oh, boy, SciFi. You’d better be careful. You’ll spoil us. “No, but seriously? It gets better?”

Hawaiian-Hispanic Gangs with Crossbows.

#mindblown

New Horizons/SyFy

Sure, they live on Hawaii. Sure, they all have generic Hispanic accents ranging from ‘faint’ to ‘racist’. Sure, they use crossbows. And yeah, maybe they do camp out at an old mill in the jungle, waiting to kidnap pretty much anyone to achieve ransom money. Liam Neeson’s crazy Hawanic (Hispawaiian?) cousin told them to.

Now for the shortcomings. There are a lot of shot inconsistencies in this movie. A lot. The C.G.I. is terrible, even for SciFi. There are these images floating around of a puppet they used on set, nicknamed ‘Bernie’, who is way scarier. And I think they must have just used him as a stand in, because the C.G.I. is seriously different looking. 

New Horizons/SyFy
This is Bernie. This is a better movie.

Regardless, this movie is so close to being a subversion it’s a little alarming. They pull a lot of stunts that they almost don’t get away with. There are two slasher chase sequences, for instance. (I won’t give away context) Like, with slasher killers. The namedrop dialogue, however, is amazing. SciFi original movies parody themselves, in a fashion, I know, but there has to be a line somewhere. “Piranhaconda” toes that line.

Overall conclusion this week – Skip “Megapiranha”, see “Piranhaconda”.

Questions, comments, exceedingly complimentary messages, movie suggestions? selawrence90@gmail.com