Hollywood House of Horror

Baddie – Low budgets.

Lesson – I had bad luck today. Rules are meant to be broken.

Here at SciFridays, I like to keep things fresh. So this week, on top of publishing behind schedule, I opted to watch a movie structured like a procedural. Plus, it’s about mummies. Or so I thought.

I would like to point out that this film appears to have been shot through a cloudy glass. And possibly by film students. And then I stopped watching. Because it has weird mom issues that gave me the heebie jeebies.

I know what you’re saying. ‘Seriously? It’s like your one rule. Once you start, you don’t stop.’ However, I will take breaks when I’m watching the movie last minute in the graduate lab space.

It’s clear to me that someone was like, “Hey, I bet the killer has mom issues.” and someone went, “Hah, more like ‘mummy’ issues, amIright?” and then they all laughed and laughed and laughed and wrote it into the plot. And by write it in I mean they literally just have the killer wrap women’s heads in linen. In some sort of prop closet. Honest to Betsy I only got 20 minutes in.

Hollywood House of Horror
Terrifying.

I tried to get through this movie, I really did. But fact, I did not. Here, documented for the world to see, I break my first rule, and I stopped watching this movie. It was too bad. So instead, I attempted to watch…

First Look International

Blood Gnome.

Before you proceed further, you should know that Blood Gnome centers around sex crimes, and there is a lot of nudity (it’s all filmed and acted poorly, so, there’s that) but I don’t suggest watching it if you are squeamish. 

Blood Gnome was filmed in 2004, but looks like it’s a student film from 1990. It’s also inconsistent as hell. I think the entire budget was blown on the gnomes/props/SFX, because the costuming, acting, styling and writing all suffered. A lot.

All things considered, this was marginally more enjoyable. In fact, I got through the whole movie. Lucky me. Here’s what’s good about Blood Gnome – the actual blood gnomes. That’s it. The end. Everything else is absolutely awful. Down to the horrendous makeup and the weird drug references and the plot. Just the worst.

First Look International
This is the best part. Wish I was joking.

The premise is that there’s a drug (X times 10, or something weird) and it is only produced after some tentacles in a box eats a person. Naturally, a dominatrix decides that ‘bloodsport’ is the perfect venue to let her little gnome minions bring food back. I don’t know. That drug is suddenly very popular in the ‘BDSM community’. Some guy is a photographer and he befriends a different dominatrix and it’s really awkward and the whole movie is just awful.

First Look International
Yup.

Here’s my lesson of the week, and I mean, take it to heart.

Sometimes, in the midst of all the drivel on Netflix, it is possible to pick two truly horrendous movies in one night. Sometimes, you have to suffer through those movies for the good of the people. I’m going to need to watch a children’s movie next week or something to apologize to my brain cells.