Baddie – Sharks!

Lesson – Sharks!

In the interest of full disclosure, I was baking an apple pie while I watched this movie. 

Seen here, apple pie in progress

Alright, so, I saw “Sand Sharks” pop up in my recommended movies and I was all like, “SCORE.” It’s also nice to see that Brooke Hogan is still doing B-movies. I haven’t seen her since “Two-Headed Shark Attack”.

Phase 4 Films

“Sand Sharks” treads the careful line between subversion and parody, while still managing to be a B-movie. It’s formulaic to a fault, in actuality. I know that shark movies are plentiful and stuff, but it’s possible to be creative with them (See: Shark Night). “Sand Sharks” opted to simply transplant “Jaws” onto dry land. 

Yes, that’s one of the posters. It looks familiar, am I right? I’m not joking about the direct nature of the rip-off. Hilariously, this poster looks extremely pre-emptive, as this is not at all what the sharks look like. Because ACTUAL sharks that could swim in the sand would be ridiculous, right?

I’m being dead serious about this “Jaws” business. It’s about a shark terrorizing a beach community that desperately needs to stay open, lest everyone go broke. There’s a rowboat scene. There’s a town hall meeting interrupted by the crazy whale-hunting-schooner-type-drunken-shark-hunter. There’s an out-of-town scientist (Twist: It’s Brooke Hogan) and a determined Sheriff, a bumbling Mayor, ignorant tourists. There’s a shark caught that’s not really the shark. They use the line, “Angus, you’re going to need a bigger beach.” I refuse to give you context for that.

Actually, speaking of dialogue (HAH), “Sand Sharks” has a very interesting script. It’s not…good. It is, however, punny as hell. People that are in any way mean are referred to as ‘sharks’. People ‘bite off more than they can chew’, and make a ‘killing’ and ‘lose their heads’ and build ‘sand sharks’ in lieu of sand castles. A good drinking game for this movie would simply be to drink every time there’s a not-so-subtle reference to the sharks. You’d be drunk in 10 minutes, easy. I can’t not include Brooke Hogan’s gem of a line, “We’re stuck between a rock and a shark place.”

God. Damn. It.

In regards to the sharks, well, there’s a reason that “Tremors” isn’t that scary, and I think it’s because things underground don’t have enough tension. There’s just something about someone crouched on the ground, or standing frozen, ‘terrified’ of something we can’t see as an audience that doesn’t ring any ‘fear’ bells. Water is different, because as people we are suspended/surrounded/helpless. That being said, the sharks aren’t really utilized well, either. Attacks are predictable and the CGI is limited at best. There’s a ton of acting directly at a camera, and the actors are not ashamed of this. The props are good when they’re used, and it seems like everyone had a good time with the fake blood/guts.

Phase 4 Films

The characters are either stale or a caricature. The mayor is inexplicably ridiculously Jewish, and his son is a money-grubbing failed entrepreneur-douchebag. The Sheriff gets needlessly aggressive the entire movie. Brooke as the scientist is…eh. Not bad, not great, passable. It’s really overwhelmingly average.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think I enjoyed this movie. It has that laughably entertaining ‘B-Movie’ value that movies like “Grizzly Rage” lacked. It does try a little too hard. There’s even a joke about someone’s brother still directing those “terrible shark movies”. However, if you’re looking for a campy movie to drink to or giggle over, I recommend “Sand Sharks”.

Also, my pie turned out well, thanks for asking!.