The Asylum

Baddie – Production.

Lesson – Spending some time planning your movie is probably a good decision.

Okay, so I’m on a shark kick. I like sharks. And look at the shark on this cover. It’s insane. It has like, a detachable jaw. And it’s called ‘Shark Week’ because they don’t give a damn if it’s confused with Discovery Channel’s infamous week of awesome television. It has ‘wealthy madman’ in the description. This was a no brainer. 

So, at first, I’m like, oh, man, is this a ‘Saw’ type movie? ‘Jaw’, if you will? Sorry. And then the dialogue starts. What. In the hell. It’s so bad. “I’d get your house in order?” AFFAIRS. ‘Get your affairs in order.’

Oh, and the CGI, it’s bad. It’s so bad. Guys, I’m sorry. After the gorgeous animatronic shark from last week, this is such a disappointment. And the sharks sound like bulldogs. I hate when sharks growl in movies. They…they don’t growl. That’s not a thing. And these sharks are SO noisy. In true CGI fashion, they change size rapidly. This movie does something I haven’t seen in a while – they use documentary footage of a shark. So Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, you guys.

This movie is sloppy. They either have a low budget, or they just don’t care. There’s a needle without, y’know, the needle. Twice. There are thugs, and mentions of a ‘cartel’ and some sort of ‘cover up,’ but it’s not adequately explained. There is 0 tension. Goose egg. You can see the parts where they’ve tried to emulate other movies, and it just falls so flat.   There’s a lot of kidnapping sequences, and it’s clear that some people are expecting the attack while others are not. The madman plays a harmonica and drinks shark blood. Like, what? Here’s the thing about madmen. I don’t care about your hobby, unless it’s relevant to the story. You cannot play the harmonica for dramatic effect. It doesn’t work.

The Asylum
Duuuuhnuh. Duuuuuhnuh. Duhnuhduhnuhduhnuh…HENCHMEN

Don’t watch this movie unless you have a drinking game. Mine is called, ‘Drink when there’s an inconsistency.’ Sure, I’m drinking peach ginger black tea (I have school tomorrow, I’m not a crazy person), but the gist is the same. There’s one every ten seconds. Lack of bites. Lack of sharks. Lack of escape attempts, despite ladders.  ‘Leave me’ means ‘go sit on that couch nearby’.  Chains that will literally fall off of wrists. Someone tries to open a latched lid by pulling it open without unlatching it and claims it’s ‘locked.’ Seriously. If I list them all, you’ll all get bored.

The Asylum
Cheeeer up, Mister Grumpygills.

Okay, so here’s the spiel. This madman plays a game with his guests. ‘You are wearing shackles. I throw a key into a pool. You get the key, you release yourself, you surface before 15 seconds are up, you live. If not, I release the shark.’ All of the kidnap-ees are terrified of this before it is explained to them. Actually, their challenge is more complicated. Shark obstacle course, GO.

The Asylum
I’m just gonna slip these…off…kay?

There are some gross exaggerations made about sharks and weird generalizations, like ‘I can keep 20 shark pups of different species in one tank without a problem,’ and ‘All sharks are born live.’ Also. Can you drown a shark by pulling it backwards? No one here watched ‘Shark Week’ before making Shark Week. One of the girls thinks you can pet a shark and hypnotize it, but you do actually have to flip the shark over, like a bunny. Also, since when do tiger sharks swim in fresh water to get them some delicious human? “Manwich, it’s what’s for dinner.”

The Asylum
This is how they chose to show death.

The acting is so bad. So…so bad. It’s overdone, but somehow more awful than that. Forced, contrived acting. To be fair, watching 10 people fight off lots of baby CGI sharks is hilarious.

An…An RFID chip? Those…only worked when scanned. They can’t be ‘tracked.. Sure, if he doesn’t go to work, they’ll know he’s missing because the RFID doesn’t get scanned into work, but that’s about it. How do they know each other’s names without introducing themselves!? How do they know the path they’re supposed to take!? I’m so frustrated. And it’s only been 20 minutes.

The Asylum
For 3/4 of this film, I thought it starred ‘Rodeo’ from ‘Rock of Love’. No joke.

If I sat here and complained about all the things that are wrong with this film we’d be here forever. The inconsistencies are ridiculous. All of the characters willingly put themselves in these situations despite multiple escape routes. There’s a minefield. It’s too much. So here’s the deal:

If you want to watch a horrifically executed movie for giggles, watch Shark Week. The entertainment value isn’t that high, but I liked it better than Megapiranha. It’s worse than Lovecraft because there is just not any care given to production. The last shark attack is about 10 seconds long and clearly filmed in a pool. Yes, I know, Jaws was occasionally filmed in a pool. But could you tell? NO!

The Asylum
It’s refreshing, minus the shark.

Note: The seriously cool shark on the cover is NOT IN THE FILM AT ALL.