By Drew Parton
WARNING: DREW IS A HYPOCRITE AND DOESN’T EAT DESSERTS ANYMORE
Raiders of the Lost Ark (Stephen Spielberg, 1981) = Chocolate Chip Cookies
Gotta start out with a cookie staple. Chocolate chip cookies are feel-good cookies. There may not be anything super special or unique about them, but they just feel nice to eat. Maybe it’s because you have fond memories of making them, or of sharing them with family- but it’s so warm and fuzzy to eat them. I wouldn’t exactly call them a binge-cookie, but they’re the kind of cookies that you savor. Raiders of the Lost Ark is the seminal adventure movie, and I’ll extend it to The Temple of doom and The Last Crusade as well. Stephen Spielberg makes classic feel-good movies. They’re not really a marathon series, but you always love to watch them. Much like an open plate at a party, even if you don’t intentionally seek them out, you’ll always pop a few if they’re on. If I’m watching TV and scrolling through channels I’ll always stop to see these movies.
Honorable mention: Chips Ahoy are like National Treasure: they resemble a heartfelt homemade staple, but nevertheless taste manufactured. Still doesn’t stop them from being satisfying in a pinch.
Pacific Rim (Guillermo del Toro, 2013) = Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Listen. I may make some enemies or lose some viewers. But Oatmeal raisin cookies are my absolute favorite. When you get the ones that are just a little under-baked in the middle. Perfection cookie. But people hate them and make fun of them, and I always feel dirty saying that I love oatmeal raisin cookies and pineapple on my pizzas. So this is a movie that people hate, but I secretly love. I’ve heard a lot of flack about Pacific Rim, most people I’ve talked to think it’s terrible or stupid. I adore this film. I have always loved giant robots, and have never been quiet about the issue. Pacific Rim is some of the most fun I have ever had watching a movie in the theater. I’m so glad that it’s getting a sequel, because I am always open for oatmeal raisin, no matter what other people say.
Toy Story 3 (Lee Unkrich, 2010) = Berger Cookies
Now I know what you’re saying- Drew, what the hell is a Berger cookie? Well, I didn’t know myself until I moved to Baltimore. Apparently they’re huge. Within my first week of living here, I was asked by no less than four people if I had eaten one yet. Now, I don’t really eat sweets anymore, but people hyped them up so much that I finally relented and bit into one. People had made it out like these cookies were the very face of god. And yeah, it’s a margarine cookie with just a ton of chocolate on top. It was kind of disappointing and underwhelming.
Where was I going with this? Oh! Yeah, Toy Story 3 is an over-hyped movie. I didn’t get around to watching it like last year, and people were shocked whenever I said that. And… I think it’s just okay. I mean, you can like it- I won’t tell you that you’re wrong to. I just find it disappointingly underwhelming for all the hype it gets. I didn’t even finish the Berger cookie.
The Fast and the Furious Series (Various, 2001-Current) = Sugar Cookies
Sugar cookies are kind of unremarkable. They’re adequate, but nothing really special to them. It’s really hard to make bad sugar cookies, though. I guess I’ve never really regretted eating a sugar cookie, and similarly, I’ve been pretty satisfied with the Fast and Furious movies. Art pieces? No. Fine cinema? No. Competent and enjoyable movies? Yeah, sure. Furious 7 was actually really fun. I’ve never really been angered or disappointed by any of the movies. Even the blander ones are still serviceable cookies. To be fair- I haven’t seen any of them in theaters. I’m not going to the store to buy sugar cookies, somehow they just kind of wind up in my mouth.
Trading Places (John Landis, 1983) = Gingerbread cookies
Gingerbread cookies, while good, are really only acceptable to eat during one month of the year. You’d expect this to be a movie like White Christmas or A Christmas Story, and indeed those are probably more suited to be a Christmas cookie staple. BUT! Trading Places get’s the coveted Gingerbread award because I feel like it’s an underrated and lesser-known movie. It’s not so well known- and most people wouldn’t think of it as a Christmas movie- but I love it enough to nominate it.
It’s a great comedy movie starring Dan Aykroyd, Eddie Murphy, and Jamie Lee Curtis. Dan Aykroyd plays a wealthy stock broker, one day his bosses decide to stage a bet that they could ruin Dan Aykroyd’s life, turning him into a degenerate criminal, while also turning Eddie Murphy from a degenerate criminal into a successful stock broker. When Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd’s characters eventually find out about this, they decide to team up and ruin their bosses’ lives. This was a movie made during Aykyrod, Murphy, and John Landis’ prime- and it’s a 1980’s comedy, and a Christmas movie that definitely should be watched.
Boyhood (Richard Linklater, 2014) = Macarons
Boyhood is a terrible cookie that people like to say they enjoy, but is really kind of disgusting and bland. I’ve never had a positive experience with Macarons. People always say that they’re great, but I suspect they’re just lying to try and appear to be cultured. Boyhood is fancy, but it’s a pretentious, boring, and a pointless film.
The characters are poorly acted, the protagonist is bad and uninteresting, the plot goes nowhere, does nothing, and means nothing. It’s mainly air with vague hints of an actual treat underneath. But it’s a status symbol- it’s all about the culture and the perception of it. I don’t even think that macarons are even real cookies. They’re just stupid-ass confections that don’t deserve their hype or acclaim.
Drive (Nicolas Winding Refn, 2011) = Snickerdoodles
Snickerdoodles are awesome. Dat cinnamon. Dat sugar. Dat cookie. But a lot of people I’ve talked to haven’t really heard of them. Samesies with Nicolas Winding Refin’s 2011 pseudo-noir movie Drive. Dat Ryan Gosling. Dat tension. Dat drama. Ryan Gosling plays a character simply known as “the driver,” a stunt driver by day, and a getaway driver by night. He slowly begins a relationship with his neighbor. When her husband is let out of jail, but has to pay back the mafia, the driver decides to help him pull a job off. However, they accidentally steal from another mob, and begin an intense game of cat and mouse. It’s great, and I’d eat that up like a batch of snickerdoodles.
Star Wars trilogy (George Lucas, 1977, 1980, 1983) = Oreo
Oreos are universal cookies; everybody enjoys them; even some of their wacky flavors are still good. And it’s a three-part cookie where all parts work together. You got the two chocolate cookies- both are great, but when you eat an Oreo, you know that cream in the middle is the best. I’ve known people who can knock back an entire sleeve of Oreos, and I have marathoned all three star wars back-to-back-to-back a few times.
Star Wars prequels (George Lucas, 1999, 2002, 2005) = Hydrox
Fuck you, you’re not Oreos. You’re some abomination pretending to be Oreos. I don’t care if you technically came first before Oreos. I’m glad that you were discontinued in 1999 until another, larger successful company bought you and brought you back successfully in 2015 [That’s real. That’s not just a joke]. You don’t understand what makes Oreos tasty. You sicken me, Hydrox.