I’m going to be honest, there’s no review today. I’m a few beers into my Superbowl Sunday and have spent most of it watching the Puppy Bowl instead.
So, lets both take a little break and discuss my Top 5 and Bottom 5 films I’ve reviewed thus-far.
NUMBER 5 BEST FILM:
Equivalent to a surprisingly helpful lead in an important mystery
Jack Reacher (2012)
When I first saw the trailer to this, film, I thought it’d be a dumb, boring Tom Cruise action movie. But a good friend of mine works at a movie theatre and said it was pretty good and let me in for free. Now, I’m a college student- and a psychology student at that- so I will take anything that is free.
I was thoroughly surprised by the film and like Thorin Oakenshield in The Hobbit, “I’ve never been so wrong in all my life…”
The movie is smart, funny, has great action scenes, very dedicated performances, and doesn’t try to be too complicated. It’s a refreshing throwback to more simpler movie times.Good for you, Tom. Zenu would be proud.
NUMBER 5 WORST FILM:
Equivalent to being in a shower with Sylvester Stallone
Tango and Cash (1989)
This movie had a lot of great things going for it, Sly Stallone and Kurt Russell at their best, it has some fun moments but overall just leaves me sad and a little cheated. It really is a bit of a let-down.
Quite possibly the worst part about this film is the villains. The big bad is so horrifically lame that I almost wished he’d win so that maybe he’d get more interesting, I believe I put it best in the review:
YOU’RE A VILLAIN FOR FUCK’S SAKE! TAKE A STANCE! BE ASSERTIVE! I KNOW YOU CAN BE, YOU HAD TO GET YOUR EVIL EMPIRE SOME WAY! YOU ARRAIGNED THIS WHOLE THING! YOU SET THEM UP FOR MURDER AND PAID OFF TONS OF PEOPLE TO GET AWAY WITH IT- THEN YOU BREAK IN TO PRISON JUST TO TAUNT THEM AND DELIVER THIS? No. There has to be somebody better. You’ve lost your maniacal villain license. Please hand over your death ray and union membership… Bad guys in action movies should be slimy and dastardly.
We want to root when John McClane drops Professor Snape’s moody ass off the skyscraper, we don’t want to have to think about why he’s evil, we don’t want a flawed character where good and evil are separated by some muddy gray line. Just give us our cheese-ball villains and hold the subtlety. better yet- just give me something more- anything more, give me someone better than somebody who “doesn’t like you very much.”
You know what, Tango and Cash?
Just think of me as someone… who doesn’t like this film very much…
NUMBER 4 BEST FILM:
Equivalent to going to a jazz club and dancing the night away
Hard Boiled (1992)
This film is a goddamn staple of modern action.
A film that is incredibly well-done but still manages to keep it light, fun, and thoroughly enjoyable. The film revels in the rule of cool (the only rule it goes by) and is one hell of a flick. It’s just pure, simple fun.
NUMBER 4 WORST FILM:
Equivalent to misunderstanding Jean-Claude Van Damme and accidentally offending him
Street Fighter (1994)
Okay, this movie is just fucking agonizing. Much like the infamously terrible Super Mario Bros. movie made around the same time, the movie of the video game Street Fighter (or to be more precise, Street Fighter II) seems to be made by people who had never played the game before and just heard about it and seen the box cover art. Nothing is as it should be, performances are tired and confused. The only redeeming part of this atrocity is Raul Julia delightfully hilarious performance.
“Despite being the hammiest and cheesiest thing since Cordon bleu, you gotta admire Raul Julia for his performance in this film. See, at this time, Julia had severe terminal stomach cancer, and this would be his last performance, seeing and knowing the end was coming, Julia asked his children to pick which role he should take. And for that we get this beautifully masterful gem.”
NUMBER 3 BEST FILM:
Equivalent to the announcement that NASA is launching a Solar Sailor in 2014 carrying the Ashes of Gene Roddenberry
Director Luc Besson is a master of the quirky action film. He has a lot of range (Leon: The Professional compared to The Fifth Element compared to Lockout) in his writing and directing talents but one thing that remains true is that his films are always fun. They can
have some very serious moments to them but they are always loads of fun to watch, Lockout is no exception. Heavily underrated actor Guy Pearce stars as the wonderfully sarcastic and cocksure CIA agent Snow:
“Guy Pearce has been very underutilized in a lot of his more recent roles, he’s proved himself a very competent actor in films like Memento, L.A. Confidential, and The Hurt Locker. But films like Lawless and Prometheus really just put Pearce in stupid roles with nothing to do. But Lockout really lets Guy Pearce loose. Snow is a cocky, magnificent bastard who really is only looking out for himself (very reminiscent of Escape from New York‘s Snake Plissken). Pearce is excellent in the role and you can tell that he had a lot of fun doing it.”
NUMBER 3 WORST FILM:
Equivalent to going to a normal day of work and a Zombie virus breaking out
Resident Evil (2002)
This movie is just so fucking dumb I don’t know where to begin. Every single character is so god damn flat and static that you’d swear it was made using cardboard a cutout of Milla Jovovich on a popsicle stick. Surprisingly enough, the movie does manage to depict amnesia better than most Hollywood films but given the rest of movie I’d guess that this was unintentional.
A word of warning about this movie:
Don’t just turn your brain off to watch this movie; take it out and store it somewhere safe, because Resident Evil will punish it harshly for trying to apply logic to anything you see.
NUMBER 2 BEST FILM:
Equivalent to going in to a 30-Story tall drug lord’s den filled with murderous psychopaths and making it out alive.
The Raid (2012)
This movie is fucking tits-awesome.
There is literally only one flaw I can point out in this film, the English voice-acting is terrible and the subtitles are baffllingly horrendous:
But this is easily ignored because there isn’t that much plot to go around. The direction is phenomenal and the fight scenes are amazingly choreographed. It’s easily one of the best kung-fu movies I have ever seen in my life.
NUMBER 2 WORST FILM:
Equivalent to being impaled on a giant hook and sent screaming into the furnace
This was the second movie I ever reviewed and the first of many god-awful ones, and it is still one of the worst.
Now, when I say things like “worst” and “god-awful” and “crime of humanity that should be punishable by being drawn and quartered” let me clarify what I mean: Cobra isn’t just a stupid movie. Stupid movies can be good. They can be well-directed and solidly made. Lockout is a stupid movie. Cobra is not only a stupid movie but a terrible one. It is poorly acted, poorly directed, and poorly executed. It is a terrible blemish on the record of everyone involved. Sylvester Stallone would go on to make much better movies, the black, dark spot of hopelessness in this movie has to be Brigette Nielson:
“I felt like I was taking fucking crazy pills when I was watching this film. In the scene where Brigette Nielson’s character is introduced, she’s in a photo shoot surrounded by an army of robots who just look so sad and bored from being in this piece of shit movie.”
NUMBER 1 BEST FILM:
Equivalent to dancing with Koji Yakusho
13 Assassins (2010) This film is a bit of an anomaly:
Now, I’m going to be honest, this movie is not really mindless action.
I’m breaking contract, so sue me. But this is one of the best films I have ever seen.
The visuals are astounding, the action intense and visceral. The performances- even of minor characters are incredible. It is superbly directed and flawlessly choreographed.
As a bit of an amateur scholar of medival japanese philosophy and a kenjutsu, the themes are incredibly powerfully resonant. This film was the most astounding and amazing film I reviewed this year- and easily one of the best I have ever seen.
NUMBER 1 WORST FILM:
Equivalent to appearing in Reindeer Games
Reindeer Games (2001)
“Whenever I sing Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, and I get to the part about reindeer games; I just start pooping and flailing and someone needs to come get me.”-John Parton, Guest Reviewer
There’s really nothing more I can say about this film
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