Mindless Action Mondays: The Review is Canceled. We can all go Home.

MindlessActionMondays

By Drew Parton

This week, upon request, I watched the video game movie Street Fighter, the 1994 masterpiece starring Gomez Addams (Raul Julia) and Jean-Claude Van Damme (Jean-Claude Van Damme).
The back of the box claims that
“STREET FIGHTER has the perfect combination of elements to put the magic back into Saturday matinees.” I‘m trusting you, Joseph  B. Mauceri, of World of Fandom Magazine.
Don’t you fucking let me down.

Universal Studios

Based upon the classic arcade game, Street Fighter, the film centers around shoving in as many references to the game and giving JCVD as many opportunities to do splits as possible.

The movie is about General M. Bison (Raul Julia, who LITERALLY cannot stop chewing the scenery), warlord of made-up country Shandaloo, and his plot to rule the world. Only a group of top-notch street fighters cobbled together by Allied Nations Colonel Guile (Van-Damme) can rescue Bison’s hostages.

The film was financially a hit, but universally panned by critics and fans of the video game. Upon further inspection, I found out that for all of Raul Julia’s hamminess as Bison, he was actually nominated for a Saturn award.

I am going to act the FUCK out of this- THE FUUUUUUCK!

Universal Studios
I am going to act the FUCK out of this movie-  THE FUUUUUUCK!

The film is also written and directed by Steven E. De Souza, writer of Commando and Diehard and renowned inventor of the Sousaphone.

Because the original game had a paper-thin excuse of a plot, Souza had to add a whole lot to the story to actually make it a movie.
The problem is, everything he added sucked.

Let’s just start with the characters:

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Universal Studios

Guile: Okay, so this one is sort of close. Courageous leader, commando, blonde hair. Aside from Van Damme’s accent it’s pretty close.

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Universal Studios

Sagat: Okay… Sagat’s a crime lord instead of a street fighter now… but at least he’s played by Wes Studi, so we know he can act.

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Universal Studios

Vega: okay… Vega’s no longer white and blonde, he’s a spanaird. Who doesn’t talk. Or use his trademark mask or claws. Now we’re really starting to stray…

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Universal Studios

Chun-Li:  Okay, this is sort of close. A journalist seeking to avenge the death of her father instead of an undercover INTERPOL agent seeking to avenge the death of her father. Sure.

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Universal Studios

Ryu and Ken: Well, everyone apparently cannot read (or tries not to), so Ryu’s now pronounced “RAI-YU.” Except, oddly enough, by Guile. While Jean-Claude Van Damme pronounces every other word in the english lexicon wrong, he still manages to mumble out the proper “REE-YU”. Oh, yeah, and instead of entering a tournament to test their training, they’re two con-men who get drafted by Guile in exchange for a pardon.
That’s- what?

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Universal Studios

Zangief:  Zangief is no where near his video game counterpart, he’s an idiot Bison minion who thinks he’s fighting for the good guys against the AN tyranny. He’s stupid and narmy but a little lovable and provides some much-needed comic relief.

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Universal Studios

Dhalism: Okay, so instead of a pacifist who enters the Street Fighter tournament to raise money for his dying village, he’s a geneticist who is captured by Bison to create super-soldiers, which brings me to…

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Universal Studios

Blanka: Well, originally Blanka was a boy named Jimmy who was the sole survivor of a plane crash in the jungle. He grew up in the jungle and was shocked by electric eels, changing his physique, skin tone, and gave him electric powers (It was a video game in the 1980’s). In the movie, he’s a super-soldier created by Bison and Dhalism.
Yeah, fuck this movie.

The other Minor characters (Honda, Cammy, And Balrog I won’t even mention, they’re Street Fighter characters in name only).

Now that we’re down with that, can we just take a second to talk about the greatest speech in movie history?

As Colonel Guile is preparing to assault Bison’s fortress, an envoy from the AN tells him that they have agreed to pay Bison’s ransom of $20 Billion:

Phonetic transcript included:

True purse, I just received new hoarders. Hour superiors say the war is canceelled. We can all go horm. Byyson is getting ped off for his crimes, and hour friends who half- died here will half -died fuh nothing. But, we can all go horm. Meanwhale, ideas like peas, freedom, enjustice, they get pecked up. But, we can all go horm.

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Universal Studios

Well, I’m not going horm. I’m gonna get on my boooot, and I’m going up river, and I’m going to kick that sun of a beach Bison’s ass so HORD that the next Bison wallabe is gonna feel it! Now, who wants to go horm… and who wants to go with me?

Despite being the hammiest and cheesiest thing since Cordon bleu, you gotta admire Raul Julia for his performance in this film. See, at this time, Julia had severe terminal stomach cancer, and this would be his last performance, seeing and knowing the end was coming, Julia asked his children to pick which role he should take. And for that we get this beautifully masterful gem:

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Universal Studios
You still refuse to ACCEPT…my godhood? KEEP your own God! In fact, this might be a good time to PRAY to Him! For I beheld Satan as he FELL FROM HEAVEN!…LIKE LIIIIIIGHTNIIIIIING!!!

So at least one person enjoyed this movie.

Hint: It was none of these people.

Universal Studios
Hint: It was none of these people. And nobody in the audience.

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Universal Studios

I do have to say, it is pretty neat to finally see everybody in their video-game costumes for the climax of the movie. And I suppose the martial arts action is pretty neat. But a slaughterhouse has less ham in it. And Helen Keller could deliver more convincing dialogue.
And she never even acted.

Overall, the movie is absolutely terrible. But it’s great, shitty, schlocky fun. I’d recommend pairing this movie with the 1993 Super Mario Bros. movie
(Starring Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo and the equally hammy Dennis Hopper) and making a night of terrible video game movies (see also: Resident Evil Review).

I don’t know what I’ll be reviewing next week so I’ll leave it up to you guys to suggest another movie.
Recommend me movies or send me hate mail at
dmpart10@stlawu.edu or comment on this post

3 thoughts on “Mindless Action Mondays: The Review is Canceled. We can all go Home.

  1. And somehow, against all odds, they managed to make a Street Fighter movie adaptation worse than this one with “Legend of Chun-Li”. Looks like Wreck-it Ralph might have the best adaptation of these characters we’ll ever see on the silver screen.

  2. Pingback: Mindless Action Mondays Gets Meta | Rooster Illusion

  3. Pingback: Mindless Action Mondays Goes Ballistic | Rooster Illusion

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